We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: I have been married for 15 years. During that time, my husband has benefited massively from my parents’ financial generosity. They made the down payment on our house and have co-signed on a number of other things. I stayed home for a full two years with each of our babies, and my parents gave us large cash gifts each time to make up for my lost income. They have gone above and beyond in helping us out. My husband, it should be noted, has held the same job for our entire marriage and has not felt pressure to advance, which I think is partly because of this immense financial cushion.
But to my dismay, over the whole life of our marriage, my husband has never shown my parents any reciprocal generosity. He is notably unwelcoming of them when they want to spend time with us because he finds their company stressful. I am not suggesting they should be able to buy their way into a close relationship with us; I know it doesn’t work like that. But I do think it would be nice if we could have them over for dinner on occasional non-holidays. Right now, he seems to regard them as though our obligations to them are the same as to the cousins we only hear from once every five years and who never give us anything.
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Am I crazy to think it should be otherwise? I do try to do my part individually, but it would be nice if our entire family could be united in a show of appreciation.
— Be Grateful
Be Grateful: Taking the money completely off the table, how do your parents treat your husband and family? You say he finds their company stressful. Perhaps you could pull on that thread with him. Ask him — and yourself — how do they actually interact with him? Do they reach out to him beyond a check?
You also don’t mention anything positive about your husband’s behavior. Is he generally a grateful person? Does his job make him happy and allow you to have more quality time together with less stress than a promotion would allow? There’s definitely value in a peaceful career. It is easy to assume the worst in someone, especially after 15 years of patterns. Could this be an issue of a behavior expectations you have of him that you’ve never communicated to him?
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Starting a conversation assuming he has good intentions for his behavior will allow open and honest discussion. Just because your parents are financially generous doesn’t mean they deserve special treatment. Focus on behaviors beyond their incredible financial gifts and you may be able to understand him. It could be much more complicated for him. Truthful conversations usually result in building compassion.
— Goodie
Be Grateful: On the face of it, what you want is quite reasonable — the occasional dinner with your family and your folks. But your letter reeks of the ways you feel your husband is a slacker due to the money they have given you guys. He isn’t accomplishing as much as you might like at work. You feel you owe your house and other things they have co-signed on to your parents. It’s almost as if you don’t respect his contributions to your life. I think you should carefully examine that idea and see where it leads you. Maybe, each day, think of the things about your husband that you are grateful for, and express that admiration and gratefulness to him sometimes.
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I think he might feel a bit eclipsed by your parents — at least in your eyes. He might find them overbearing. He might not like them. You have to respect that, too. When my husband has to spend time with my sisters and their husbands, I always tell him how much I appreciate his doing so because I know he doesn’t like them or feel comfortable around them. If your husband feels uncomfortable around your parents, can you be sympathetic to that? It’s possible that some sympathy toward your husband’s discomfort could also go a long way.
— His Side
Be Grateful: What if it is their financial generosity and underwriting of your lifestyles that make him stressed? Gendered expectations put real pressure on husbands and fathers to be breadwinners and providers. If he feels that pressure, especially from you, it’s possible the money has been a welcome boon to you but an emotional burden to him.
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Is there space in your relationship for him to express such a feeling, or is the money so sacrosanct that questioning it is taboo? Your assertion that your husband has benefited from your parents’ money by not feeling pressure to advance in his career might reveal more about your thinking than his choices. He may lack motivation to advance at work for many reasons; alternatively, he may simply be content with the job he has. How does he feel about his professional life? Does he sense your disappointment in his lack of advancement?
I suggest you look back at the context and conversations you two had when you were the recipients of this generosity. How often was your husband laughing all the way to the bank versus accepting the influx of cash because it helped you get the things you wanted in life?
— MF in SF
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Be Grateful: Your husband should spend time with your parents because you want your family to spend time with them, without regard to their largesse. One would hope you’d welcome them into a life they have made immeasurably easier with their generosity because you want to be with them and not as a unified show of appreciation (not to minimize gratitude — I hope you have shown that in quantity).
But did this funding come with strings? Are there assumptions made about how you and your family live your lives as a result of it? Is the money undermining your husband’s equal standing in the relationship? You criticize your husband for “not feeling the pressure to advance” because of this cushion — that’s a pretty telling perspective, very worth exploring.
Further, why do you equate money and gifts with worthiness of a relationship? You talk about your (minimal) obligation to cousins who “never give us anything.” Is that your benchmark for relationship worthiness? I think both of you need a serious conversation about what this cushion has done for and against your relationship — and apply counseling as appropriate.
— Money And Love
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
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